08:13:54
Good days but dark thoughts are popping up.....
Yesterday was a good day again....energy is coming back even though it is really slow.
But back it up, Thursday evening it knocked on my door and it was flower messenger that come with a beautiful boquet of blowers from my office! Thanks! It really brightened up the dark evening with its beautiful colors! Bad light but still goregoeus.
Yesterday Malin and her Lexi (Rottweiler) came over with homemade (trattkantarell soppa) soup and delicious Lakrits dumle muffins. So great to finally be strong enough to be able have lunch company over! And what a delicious home made soup! Thanks so much for doing all the food and muffins for me and that I got to keep the remainder! Yum yum! You are the best!
Right when Malin was to leave the mail came....got a white envelope. Couldn't figure out whose hand writing it was but it was a get well package from the two
teams I work with! You are too sweet and I miss you guys too!!
See we have this thing at work...or maybe I should say I have this thing of bringing in candy to the team I work with. Most of you who know me know I love candy and especially liqourice!?
So they know what will brighten my day,
Candy! 😃💜
Then last night my dear friend Åsa came by. So great to see you! Been awhile so thanks for stopping by hanging out for a few hours!
Now I should be totally worn out!? Yes and no....cuz the thing is my brain is back in the game and that
is no good when I am stuck inside
my apartment with not enough energy
to do things.....
Prior to surgery I have pushed through, not thinking any negative thoughts. Really I haven't. I have been so focused on getting to surgery and getting out the tumour.
But pretty much since surgery thoughts of non so preferable kind has been popping up....did they really get it all out? Due to the complexity of the tumour and its appearance and that it had grown towards the collar bone....has it spread!??!? Non of these questions will be able to be answered until the next check up which is 26 days away.
So yesterday I talked to both Malin and Åsa about thisy. It felt good to just utter my concerns out loud. And as both Malin and Åsa said in different ways, the reaction is totally normal bc many times this is now the reaction from the cancer patient itself comes.
But the timing sucks. I really don't need these dark and evil thoughts to take over....but they do. And they come at night or early mornings.
At night I think it is a reaction of being tired. I fix that by going to sleep....a bit tougher than usually but finally I do fall asleep.
Mornings, well, not much I can do except for trying to watch a tv series episode and then get up and eat breakfast.
I am a thinker, which my close friends know. Before I make decisions, I usually twist and turn everything a couple of times in my head before acting upon it.
I always try to figure out what makes the most sense etc. by reflecting upon things and then my intellect (the little I have) will tell me that this is right and a more likely outcome. It works for me to stop the brain from spinning of into a negative agenda.
But now, I don't know.....there is nothing that makes any sense!!! Prior to surgery I felt fine! After surgery, I have been, and am, a mess! So no wonder that my mind is spinning of occasionally into dark dark potential scenarios of this illness. Ugghhh......miss my old me!