swekarin

Its been over a week since I wrote. London was great, it really was even if I found it hard to go on a trip after the bad news. But it was so great to spend time with my really good old friend Kate from Chicago times and Steph who I actually know through my Australien sister-in-law.

It was so great to get to see you both, husbands and kids. I am amazed how well behaved that little 2-year old Linnea girl was! She sure has her own will but Kate you so are not a helicopter mom!

So this time around in London I got to see a different part of London. Mostly I have been seeing the touristy places but now we hung out in the hoods and did things that the locals do, see family life. Me like a lot! I can go back to London and do more of that. So it was good to get a break from the daily life at home. See and do something else.

 

Coming home though was just as good, to the place where I really do feel safe these days. I have never been a home bud but since all this crap started my apartment is the place where I really can relax. I do have my moments when I fall apart. It was a good day Thursday I kept telling me but just as I was heading out the door Thursday I just started crying from nowhere. Similar thing happened Friday.

My head and emotions are tired....really tired and I just can't hold it together really at that time. Even yesterday at work it was tough. I am thankful I have such an awesome collegue and a friend in you Jill. She sits right next to me and when these moments happen I don't need anyone to come close or say anything. I just need to calm down and get myself together. Jill, thanks for being so cool and dealing with the situation just as I ask you to. Cuz I understand it must not be easy for you either to keep working while I am just crying next to you. I ask for space and 10 minutes to gather myself and get back into my role, my professional work role. And you let me do my thing. You are truly the best!

The role, yes, it is a role, the architect role, I am playing. And I am good at it. It is the only think in my life at the moment I can decide about in broader aspects. So whenever I leave for work in the mornings I put the work role on. This word role sounds perhaps bad but my entire office has within the last month been participating in this education class called leadership psychology. Being a leader and practicing leadership one can say pretty much is a role. So since I am extremely vulnerable at the moment, playing a role is perfect. And so for now I am educating and practice to become a better, perhaps even a great, leader for my team at work. 

 

But it is tough to be a good leader when I am dealing with so many things on the private front. I really have to turn off my cancer life and just be Karin at work, the architect who needs to be pro-active, make decisions and/ or guide my teammates. They said at the class that the most important thing when being a leader is that you bring loads of positive energy to the team. You lift your teammates to become better and execute their work. 

I might not be as energetic and happy as usual but I so hope I am not a disaster concerning the energy part right now. The role gives me the strength to pull through, to see past me being sick with cancer. This is how I deal with life right now.

 

I also had an interesting conversation with my dad some week back. He suffered a major heart attack just over a year ago. If I did believe in angels or a God, they must have looked over him bc he shouldn't really have survived. But he has and he is dealing with his situation of not being so vigorous and strong physically as he used to be, actually far from it. We both talked about this life changing situation we both are in. I think we are a bit alike, more than I realize, I concluded that we both deal with our situations in very similar ways. We have this attitude that yes, it sucks but that life isn't getting better if we just sit back, do nothing and accept the crap. Instead we both try to get back up in the saddle to make our life situations a bit better, a bit more durable. If he can walk 8 laps around his house, well, then I can go to work and do my job! Despite cancer in my lung, I can walk long distances and even do running when playing with my dog. So why pity myself, nothing will become better by doing that. It is tough, it is hard to be at the top with a big smile on my face like I usually do. But there is some research saying that if you smile at yourself in the mirror, it will reflect upon you and you will feel and become happier.....

 

I hadn't planned on writing this long or complex and emotional but alas, it is one of these mornings when I sit down and reflect about my life situation. Yet again, one of the ways I am dealing with myself these days.

Enough is enough, now I am going to get ready and head out to pick up Lakrits to head out to the dog club to meet up with Hanna and Hilda who needs to do some training before competing in a few weeks.

 

Over and out.......

 

PS1. Got this envelope in the mail...with the most adorable key chain. I love it, but it didn't say who it was from. I want to say thank you so Thank you! I love it!

PS2. I got flowers some week back, but it didn't say who it was from either. But thank you. They were beautiful!

PS3. Happy Puppy pictures! They are just the most wonderful creatures.