swekarin

It's been some very tough days since Wednesday, but I am once again so tremendously touched with all the amazing support and reach outs I have gotten from my previous post! I am so blessed that you are all my friends, you are all so valuable and important to me! ❤️❤️❤️❤️  You all push me in the right direction, make me try believe this is not  catastrophic news. But instead, just another side step, a parrallell road that is even rockier than the one I was on.  

 

Many of you have called, emailed, replied to my FB /blog post. I have read it all a few times, but right now I just don't have the strength to talk on the phone or respond. I am trying to figure out my place, what is the next step in the near future for me. How will I mentally endure this torture, how this how that.....it goes on and on.

But I have started to pick up the thousands pieces I ended up becoming on Wednesday.

 

To gather strength I went out to Lakrits and her puppies on Wednesday night. I sat with her and the puppies for 3-4 hours before I went home. I can't stress enough how amazing these four-legged animals are too me, giving me some very much needed energy to try to move forward.

 

I got home that night and fell asleep like a baby. But getting up the next and go to work on Thursday and Friday, I am not sure how I did it....I call it auto-pilot since I kept being in some sort of vacuum....felt so surreal needing to deal with all the stupidity that the project I am currently working on is bringing us in the team. I am the one that needs to figure out all the dilemma....I can barely figure myself out at the moment!? So auto-pilot is good....I see new things and attitude within me. I see things very clearly, rationalize and analys, then execute and stop with all the bull-shit. I feel that I don't have the time for BS.  

Perhaps it isn't good to keep working, especially not in the stressful environment we have at work, but for the moment it will be how I deal with this crisis. Not that I am hiding behind tons of work bc I think about the cancer diagnos more or less the entire time. But there isn't much I can't do about my illness, but I can do something about a chaotic project. At least I can effect the outcome of the result for the deadline in the beginning of May. After that, I do need a time-out to reflect about me, life, cancer and what does this mean to me and gather strength.

 

Going deep down within yourself is tough, but I also know for me it is the only way up. If I don't face these dark thoughts that keep popping up within me I won't be able to move forward. This is how I work, I do think and reflect about life in general a lot. So right now I am seriously looking forward to get to talk to a specialist that can help me out to sort out thoughts and feelings cuz I can't really do it this time around.

 

But until then, I am just floating by. I am not going to be that perky happy person. I most likely I won't be laughing like I usually do. But yesterday I started this new journey.....I had planned since some time back to take one of my nieces to Junibacken. It was actually her birthday present from last year. Junibacken is a fantastic place that is dedicated to Astrid Lindgren. It is a huge playground for kids as well as for adults. 
It was such a good time to hang out with my niece. She has no real clue what I am going through, she laughs, she runs, she plays, she hugs, she kisses and is just so inspiring to spend time with. And today the sun is shining and I will go out for an organized walk with a bunch of boxers and their owners who are all from the district where I live. But first I will go and see Lakrits and the pups to refill energy and gather strength.