07:35:56
Crap what is wrong now.....
Woke up and see I got a letter over night. A letter from KS is never good! I get a knot in my stomach......
Since I did my blood work a few weeks back and found out T4 is high I have been waiting for a call from my doctor about my cancer markers. But nothing more since then till now! And now I get a letter where I need to do another CT scan on April 20th. What have the blood work indicated!!??!
Fuck fuck fuck fuck, I am so tired and exhausted of this! Really when will this shit stop!!?? Itsn´t a year and a halft enough!?
Gosh there is so much I am upset, tired and exhausted about everything. I have been having a bad feeling about this ordeal since the doctor hasn´t called but I just don´t want to focus on bad thoughts and ideas. But unfortunately after 18 months in this circus of hope and dispear I know to well that my gut feeling is many times right. Now let´s hope that my cut feeling really isnt´t that right cuz there is something not quiet right since they are making me do another CT scan.
Not a great start on this Friday but I had my coffe filled in tears, took a 40 minute stroll through the forest preserve and cried a bit more. It does work though to cry out all the bad thoughts and feeling when it is so beautiful outside at 7 am, the dog is as happy as can be playing with wood sticks and just don´t care too much about anything else than the wood stick and playtime. That is exactly what I need to do now, focus on here and now. But right now I need to just get going to work and get done what needs to be done even if I don´t fint it important. Work is unfortunately more an energy thief than anything. But it will keep my mind and thoughts focused on something else then my life and health!